The guilt

[medicvet]

it doesn't just surround me
it sinks me
it doesn't just claim me
it owns me
it doesn't just frown
it scowls
and asks why didn't you save me???

the lump in my throat is there when I wake
and I do not know its name
the tightness in my chest
remains always
and does no good to anyone
the eyes that blur with tears
such a fucking sissy.

and all I want to know is
why couldn't I have done more?
done better?
done some godamn thing
to stop them from dying?

and only the silence
echoes and laughes
and echoes again.

[Traveler]

Ok is this PTS.

What can we say to help here

[Nu Kua]

That's really good writing, Medicvet. Sadness reaches deeply.
I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

[medicvet]

Originally Posted by Traveler

Ok is this PTS.

What can we say to help here

Oh Traveler, hon, you are here..that is a help. More help that you will ever fully know until the day comes that all of us know all. ((hugs))

[medicvet]

Originally Posted by Nu Kua

That's really good writing, Medicvet. Sadness reaches deeply.
I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

I'm sad, but it's a good sad right now

not corrosive or caustic

but warm salty tears that heal

because I find myself for the first time

in a long time

able to cry.

and there is no guilt and shame

when a soldier cries...for the first time in a long time

I don't feel judged..but maybe I'm crazy?

Because my dead bros now laugh with me

and keep me company at times.

[medicvet]

Something I scribbled a little while ago:




she wanders through fields
neat and full of green leaves abloom
and tended by the corporation

Profit and not life is the bottom line.
which means
let us overview and rank our priorities
and decide what is that
which is most important.
Ranking and pecking order
and not the promotion of life
is what rules.
If the two should just happen to coincide
then so be it
if not,
then so be it.

She wanders through fields
of trees and vines and bushes and
plants that put their roots down deep
and recognizes the value
that others in their shallow depth
can only put a dollar sign on, can only
mark with monetary value.

She wanders through fields
and sings
Loudly
Angrily
Gratefully
Expectantly
and Hopefully,

of rivers, from broad margins to narrow
as businesses look on
confused and uncomprehending
yet envious and furious
for even they realize
She brings but a blessing.

but greedy grasping hearts would take all that is denied them and demand more, while refusing any gifts freely given, seeing them as valueless without realizing how priceless the gifts freely given truly are.

She wanders through the fields
that some claim are tamed
And although she is
DEMEANED
SHAMED
PERSECUTED
MOCKED
and RIDICULED,

and it cuts to the core of her soul
and very fiber of her being
and although she is wounded deep
she REFUSES and REJECTS
those who try to confuse and contradict
all the best and brightest of her very essence she brings

She sees light and hope, a flickering flame that still burns steady
around and about and within the midst
of reality and accepts ugliness as necessary to show beauty

but still
she is
and she

Wanders through the fields.

[medicvet]

Okay, yah, some of this shit is a bit on the emo side, oh well. I welcome any and all comments..did it totally suck? Was there a time when you got it? lemme know! :)

I can write about pain.
I can write about regrets, and they are many.
Like demons within, their name is legion
I can write about the struggles
heady and bitter, these unending victories
that turn into defeat
and then turn again.

Do you know me?
And are you ashamed to admit it?
Do you snicker, or simply deny
ghosts do more than haunt the worst ones
torture..a whisper of secrets, never fully hidden
and scars...never fully healed.

I can write about pain.
We are old friends, you see.
Too familiar for an enemy
Too close for a lover
But pain and I...we are old friends, indeed.

[perfectly_flawed]

I am truly inspired by your work... i have been a writer for years and have come to face a two year writer's block and its killing me.... I really enjoy your work!!

[medicvet]

thank you. I have some other things I wrote when I was actively suicidal, and am not there anymore, but if some folks read it...wellk it could be very easily misinterpretd, let's put it that way.

and suicide may be painless, but the getting there sure in the hell aint.

[perfectly_flawed]

my thoughts exactly!! I would like to read more of your work actually.

[medicvet]

pICturE ThIs:

a stretch of fragrant pines and spruces
the sky darkens to neon, crisp and calm
the moon a white somber face, she
softly climbs through the timid mist
the lake, a deep and flat jade
the grass gleams with drops of crystal
tears that hang on the pines
exuding their strong perfume
perhaps that of a mournful life?
no shadows are cast, everything seems
oddly with substance

the violet hills
banks of clouds
against a cooling sunset.

[perfectly_flawed]

Ok so you threw me into a writing fit.... heres two i just wrote kinda goes with the other thread im posting on....

The second jealousy reared its ugly head
I began sinking
When I realized it wasn't just me anymore
I began falling
After the fighting, yelling, shoving, throwing
I began drowning
And now, reading the words you wrote to her
I began dying



I'm so tired, my body is exhausted
My mind wont stop realing
My hands wont stop shaking
You won't talk so Im left to assume
Your silence tells me more than I want to know
Visions dance across my mind like a silent horror picture show
Of what life would be like without you
The single thought alone used to tear me down
And now, its starting to feel like home
It can't be harmless if I'm the one it's hurting
Then again, like you said, I deserve it

[medicvet]

I loved that! That is really good!

I got an idea been burning in my head, and just thought I would add it here:

I always knew...from the time when I was a kid and could see things others couldn't and would get my parents very mad at me when I would not talk "normal". They really freaked out when I started talking French with this man at one of their cocktail parties, and I had never been around a french person before and knew nothing whatsoever of the language. Dad got so freaked out, he spanking me hard with a belt, first time ever not just his hands, and told me to never talk like that again, so I didn't.
It looked like mom and dad would get a vorce. I didn't know what a di-vorce was rightly, but I knew it was something that adults only talked around in cricles and spelling words so I wasn't supposed to be understanding them. That was when I lucked out. I may have only been in kindergarden, but I could already read..whenever I could sneak a book and a spot to read it somewhere, and if I was lucky enough, would even be able to get through the book before it was snatched out of my arms, and I wouldn't see it again for many weeks, if at all.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was one plump woman that was known to be too easy with the whip, but when there were no offical eyes to watch her, she would reach into her clothes and give away chunks of bread or potatoes. I guess it was because of he cruel she was when giving out the the lashes that there was no suspician that she would treat Jews anything more than the dogs they were.

When the war started drawing close, the word got out as far as it could...be too sick to travel..where they are taking you is not safe? No safe? We are in a concentraition camp and we are leaving it..what could have been more safe than that, I say! There was a rumbling in agreement with them. Then a woman spoke up. I have a hacksaw, but I can't go fast enough, help me open it up so we can all get out. the entire wagon begain to bend and snap and widen the hole that showed the rows of ties running under them. I went first because I was youngest..or maybe some other reason, I don't know what it was. I yelled out, but no one was around me. I saw on the tracks and bawled, surely someone would hear me?? I cried so long I got the hiccups, but it does work to be scared out of having the hiccups, because it was a wolf, and his haunches were raised, poised almost to spring, and the gold flecked eyes had her in her spelll..she just couldn't do anything...what choices were open to her...there seemed to be no way that would not lead to death.